When Everyone is a Stranger

Is it normal for your child to experience stranger distress? Absolutely. Stranger distress is a normal part of a child’s cognitive, social, and emotional development. A 5-month old infant may cry after a stranger stares at him or her for 30 seconds. At 7-10 months of age, babies will react negatively to strangers even by their mere presence. The context of the interaction with the stranger influences a baby’s reaction. If a stranger rapidly approaches a baby, the baby is likely to experience a high amount of distress. If a caregiver is close by and does not have a negative reaction to a stranger, the distress is less. Babies and young children model behavior on the adults they interact with most. How a parent or caregiver interacts with “strangers” will influence how a baby might possibly react. It is also important to note that “stranger” refers to anyone the child does not know. Even if the “stranger” is well-known to the parent or caregiver, that person is new to the baby. At this age, babies do not always remember people, so even if the baby has met someone once, they might still consider the person a stranger the next time they meet.

Stranger distress typically continues for several months with the amount of distress varying from baby to baby. For example, my sister used to feel bad when her son did not instantly feel comfortable with his extended family members. Initially my nephew did not cry when he was left under the care of a family member or nanny for the first time when he was 3 months old. However, when he was 7 months old and his caregiver changed, he was quite startled when the new caregiver tried to interact with him and it took him a few days to adapt. As he got older, even when interacting with people somewhat familiar to him, he needed to observe them and feel comfortable around them before allowing them to touch or hold him.

As young children are exposed to a variety of social situations and environments such as daycare centers, schools, and play dates, their stranger anxiety may lessen (note that their responses vary greatly depending on factors such as culture, temperament and past experiences). Two weeks ago, my nephew began going to school for the first time at 17 months old and even though his mother stayed with him the entire time on the first day, by day two he began crying as they were entering the building because he knew his mother was probably going to leave him with “strangers.” However, by the end of the second day of class he was comfortably playing with the teachers and other children.

Stranger distress is an indicator that your child is developing appropriately. Cognitively, babies are reaching a developmental milestone in which they can differentiate between their caregivers and other people. Babies need to go through the learning process of understanding that they will have to interact with people other than their immediate caregivers. Emotionally, beginning after 3 months of age throughout the remainder of infancy, babies are obtaining a wide range of new emotions such as happiness, disgust, anger, sadness, surprise, interest, and fear. Thus, rather than associating this new emotion of fear as a difficulty, it is actually an indicator of healthy emotional development.

Stranger distress can be a difficult hurdle for parents to overcome. It can be stressful for parents and caregivers to see their children so frightened of others, and they may even feel embarrassed. Parents and caregivers should be understanding of stranger distress and realize that it may take time to introduce someone new to the infant such as a babysitter or relative. It is recommended that you respect your baby’s fear and do not force him or her to be held by a relative or nanny until your baby feels comfortable around them. Ideally, children will use their parents as secure bases for exploration in order to feel safe navigating their environments, including new people.

For further information/resources on stranger distress, please visit the following links:

Tips on how to cope with stranger distress and separation anxiety:
http://www.triplep.net/cicms/assets/pdfs/pg1as100gr5so128.pdf

To view a brief video on an example of stranger distress:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sCgvR1-gFjM

The Power of Play

Encouraging children to play is an important task for caregivers and parents because research has shown that play contributes significantly to the cognitive, emotional and social development of children, particularly during the preschool years (ages 2 1/2 to 5). In fact, psychologists consider play as vital to a child’s cognitive development as food or sleep.

The role of play in early childhood development serves the following functions:

• Dealing with conflict and fear
• Working through developmental challenges
• Experimenting with social roles
• Contributing to an increase in self-reliance, self-control and self-regulation

Play allows children to explore their environments and become active participants in their own development. Through pretend play, children can confront their problems actively and overcome any feelings of fright, pain or anxiety they may be experiencing. Children are able to freely express their emotions and work through any concerns or frustrations that they encounter on a daily basis such as the power differential between children and parents. The solutions that they discover through pretend play are often precursors to more advanced problem solving strategies later in life.

Role playing provides an opportunity for children to not only act out their conflicts and fears but to act out their aspirations as well. Many children pretend to be mommies, daddies, doctors, firemen or other social figures. In this fashion, children are able to explore social roles and cultural values by themselves or with playmates (note that cultural factors can influence the themes and types of play of children but all children should have an internal desire to play). For example, playing “house” can help children comprehend social norms and rules which can contribute to their development of empathy skills (i.e., understanding other people’s perspectives). These empathy skills aid in their ability to connect to other children, share, take turns and develop true peer relationships. This can be a daunting task to a preschooler who is trying to overcome his or her egocentric thinking. In addition to social and emotional development, role playing such as playing “house” contributes to language development as children experiment with using different, more complex words and phrases.

Another daunting task for children to overcome as they get older is delay of gratification (i.e., wanting something immediately without the ability to wait). Acting out social roles during pretend play can help children learn how to behave appropriately in different situations. For example, my 17-month-old nephew’s inability to delay gratification leads to temper tantrums, which are normal, primarily because as a toddler he does not have the words to express his frustrations. As he moves through the preschool years, he will learn to regulate his emotions and express his frustrations in a more effective manner. Playtime to work on this issue can be accomplished through play with adults as well as with children of similar age. Having a variety of play environments increases the situations and roles that a toddler will experience.

It is critical for parents to encourage play from a very young age. Play can come in the form of solitary play as a child explores his toys or surroundings. Or it can come through interaction with adults and other children. It can be in set playgroups or can take place during the simplest daily tasks. For instance, my nephew loves to push the grocery cart at the store, take food cans off the shelf and put them in the cart, push the button on the elevator and remove dishes from the dishwasher. Allowing him to partake in these activities will promote optimal child development. An added benefit is that learning these life skills from a young age will help him increase his self reliance leading to independence as an adult.

For further information/resources on pretend play, please visit the following links:

For examples of pretend play games:

http://www.articlesbase.com/home-and-family-articles/imaginative-play-benefits-of-pretend-play-for-childs-development-games-scenarious-ideas-317173.html

Research articles on the role of pretend play in cognitive development:

http://ecrp.uiuc.edu/v4n1/bergen.html

http://ematusov.soe.udel.edu/final.paper.pub/_pwfsfp/0000004a.htm

Research abstract on pretend play as a predictor of higher IQ:

http://gcq.sagepub.com/cgi/content/abstract/53/2/106