When Everyone is a Stranger

Is it normal for your child to experience stranger distress? Absolutely. Stranger distress is a normal part of a child’s cognitive, social, and emotional development. A 5-month old infant may cry after a stranger stares at him or her for 30 seconds. At 7-10 months of age, babies will react negatively to strangers even by their mere presence. The context of the interaction with the stranger influences a baby’s reaction. If a stranger rapidly approaches a baby, the baby is likely to experience a high amount of distress. If a caregiver is close by and does not have a negative reaction to a stranger, the distress is less. Babies and young children model behavior on the adults they interact with most. How a parent or caregiver interacts with “strangers” will influence how a baby might possibly react. It is also important to note that “stranger” refers to anyone the child does not know. Even if the “stranger” is well-known to the parent or caregiver, that person is new to the baby. At this age, babies do not always remember people, so even if the baby has met someone once, they might still consider the person a stranger the next time they meet.

Stranger distress typically continues for several months with the amount of distress varying from baby to baby. For example, my sister used to feel bad when her son did not instantly feel comfortable with his extended family members. Initially my nephew did not cry when he was left under the care of a family member or nanny for the first time when he was 3 months old. However, when he was 7 months old and his caregiver changed, he was quite startled when the new caregiver tried to interact with him and it took him a few days to adapt. As he got older, even when interacting with people somewhat familiar to him, he needed to observe them and feel comfortable around them before allowing them to touch or hold him.

As young children are exposed to a variety of social situations and environments such as daycare centers, schools, and play dates, their stranger anxiety may lessen (note that their responses vary greatly depending on factors such as culture, temperament and past experiences). Two weeks ago, my nephew began going to school for the first time at 17 months old and even though his mother stayed with him the entire time on the first day, by day two he began crying as they were entering the building because he knew his mother was probably going to leave him with “strangers.” However, by the end of the second day of class he was comfortably playing with the teachers and other children.

Stranger distress is an indicator that your child is developing appropriately. Cognitively, babies are reaching a developmental milestone in which they can differentiate between their caregivers and other people. Babies need to go through the learning process of understanding that they will have to interact with people other than their immediate caregivers. Emotionally, beginning after 3 months of age throughout the remainder of infancy, babies are obtaining a wide range of new emotions such as happiness, disgust, anger, sadness, surprise, interest, and fear. Thus, rather than associating this new emotion of fear as a difficulty, it is actually an indicator of healthy emotional development.

Stranger distress can be a difficult hurdle for parents to overcome. It can be stressful for parents and caregivers to see their children so frightened of others, and they may even feel embarrassed. Parents and caregivers should be understanding of stranger distress and realize that it may take time to introduce someone new to the infant such as a babysitter or relative. It is recommended that you respect your baby’s fear and do not force him or her to be held by a relative or nanny until your baby feels comfortable around them. Ideally, children will use their parents as secure bases for exploration in order to feel safe navigating their environments, including new people.

For further information/resources on stranger distress, please visit the following links:

Tips on how to cope with stranger distress and separation anxiety:
http://www.triplep.net/cicms/assets/pdfs/pg1as100gr5so128.pdf

To view a brief video on an example of stranger distress:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sCgvR1-gFjM